1,082

1,082 miles of love, laughter, (some) tears, and a lot of growing.  1,082 miles of cuddles, hand holding, firsts, and kisses.  1,082 miles of families, friends, food, and holidays.


There are roughly 1,082 miles from Nevada, Missouri to Bossier City, Louisiana, back to Nevada, Missouri, then to Ankeny, Iowa and back to Nevada, Missouri.  Over the past 10 days, that is (very simply) what Mo and I have done. 


I could give you a play by play of each day, telling you about the exciting things we did in each place.  Or I could save that for a later post and  just tell you that I feel more in love with Mo each and every single day of that trip. 


Seriously.


That man is amazing.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I love the holidays.  All the food and family at Thanksgiving.  All the happiness, Christmas music, traveling, smells, and gifts around Christmas.  The excitement and romanticness of New Year's Eve.  The last 6 weeks of the year might be my favorite of all. 

For Thanksgiving, I got to pick up one of my best friends as she surprised her family for Thanksgiving.  She lives in Texas and had them convinced she wouldn't see them until August and then she showed up on their doorstep!  It was so fun being part of her surprise and knowing about it all along :)

Then I headed even farther north to Cedar Rapids, and got to meet my brand new nephew, Frank Richard.  And I learned I'm not good at sharing.  I could've held that little bundle of joy every second he was around us and still not gotten enough.  He was such a trooper as we played "Pass the Baby" every 20 minutes, and kept him up way late.  He was so fun to watch as he took in all the new faces and smells around him.  The dogs weren't too sure about this crying thing that smelled human that everyone was holding, but they did great, too!  I can't wait to see him again at Christmas!

Having Thanksgiving in a hotel room isn't the most ideal setting, but it worked well for one reason: we were together.  That's all that mattered.  We could've been in a cardboard box with oatmeal and we would've had fun.  Cold, but happy.  We had a lot of fun playing games, doing puzzles, watching football, cutting lamination (this teacher needed some help!), and just enjoying each other. 

Saturday afternoon, I headed back home to KC after seeing one of my dear friends since elementary school.  On Sunday, my Steelers were playing Greg's Saints and we'd had a bet on the game since July so there was no way I wasn't going to be there to rub it in his face when we won. Except, we didn't.  So now I'll have to buy a Saints jersey and at least pretend to like wearing it :(

I've FINALLY added photos from our NOLA trip for your viewing pleasure!!

Thankful November

So I'm gonna do the super cheesy "thankful November" that everyone does in November on Facebook but I'm gonna do it here. Check this post regularly to find out what I'm thankful for!!

November 1: I'm thankful for motivation. Without it, I wouldn't have gotten in an amazing hour long workout today and I definitely wouldn't be where I am today with it. Sometimes it is hard to get it going, but once it's there, it's amazing.

November 2: I'm so so grateful for all facets of law enforcement.  The sacrifices that they make, and sometimes the ultimate sacrifice, really make me feel safe and protected.  Of course, I'm slightly biased because I've had the privilege to know many of them personally, but I really do believe that they are some of the greatest people out there.  

November 3: I'm thankful for courage. Courage to stand up for yourself. Courage to ask the hard questions. Courage to say you need help. Courage to make a change in your life. Courage to look fear in the face and say "not today". Whether it's myself, my loved ones, or my students, courage is a trait I admire in every person that exhibits it. 

November 4: I'm thankful for technology, specifically cell phones. Without them, my best friends and I would not be able to keep in touch like we do, Mo and I wouldn't be able to talk each night, and my family and I wouldn't be able to talk football as much as we do. As much as I sometimes hate to admit it, phones have become a part of our culture-connecting is with loved ones over great distances. 

November 5: Massages.  Need I say more?  My roommate and I agreed to spoil ourselves and get massages.  There's just something about not having to worry about work, relationships, family, or anything else and just focus on relaxing.  I wish I could make it a monthly thing, but every few months is better than nothing!

November 6: I'm thankful for my bed.  Knowing that its there all the time, ready to welcome me and keep me warm while I drift off to dreamland.  I love my bed.  And I'm horribly exhausted this week as I've been battling a cold and been busy.  I just can't wait to get home to it already.

November 7: I'm thankful for the accessibility of transportation.  Being able to travel as freely, and inexpensively when you really think about it, as we do is so wonderful.  Getting to take a weekend trip away, to recharge the batteries, spend time with loved ones, and support each other is something I love doing.  

November 8: I'm thankful for ultimate. It has brought our family together in ways I never thought imaginable.  It's forced us to celebrate the wins, and learn from the losses together.  I've gotten to travel to many different places that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to go to.  Ultimate has given my brothers lifelong friends and my family something unique to rally around.

November 9: I'm thankful for words.  Words that comfort, words that celebrate, words that express feelings, words that express sorrows.  Sometimes, there are words you hear that you didn't even know you wanted or needed to hear.  Sometimes there are words that are shared that just make you smile.  Sometimes there are words, simple words, that mean the most.  Sometimes, though, there are just no words.

November 10: I'm thankful for Netflix.   Without it, I'd struggle to fall asleep each night, I wouldn't have been introduced to so many great shows or movies and the many hours of overnights would have drug on even more than they already did. For just a few bucks each month, I love having access to so many great resources (yes, I've used it in my classroom) or mindless white noise. 

November 11: I'm thankful for all veterans.  There are no other words that would even come close to describing my gratitude for all they, and their families, have sacrificed for our freedom.

November 12: I'm thankful for that boyfriend of mine.  He celebrates my joys with me, and loves me even more on my crappy, cranky days.  He always seems to know what to say to make me smile or laugh so hard I cry.  He has filled my life with so much joy and happiness.  He truly challenges me every day to be my best and try even harder.  I've never had someone make me want to be a better person as much as he has.  I could go on and on about how he makes me feel, and why I keep him around, but I won't bore you with things you can read elsewhere. Or here. 

November 13: I'm thankful for my students.  They always seem to know what to say to make me smile, laugh, or remember why I chose this career.  They know when to work hard (usually) and are learning to ask for help.  

November 14:  I'm thankful for people who nerd out about personality stuff just as much as I do.  If you remember, I wrote a post about love languages and then I read the post linked above and didn't feel so vulnerable and weird for loving personality tests.  Anytime someone shares your passion for something as much as you do, it's a great feeling.  When you don't even know that person?  It's just a bit cooler!

November 15: I'm thankful for amazing friends.  The ones who suck it up when they're not feeling the greatest, but know it's important to you.  The ones who celebrate things they don't fully understand.  The ones who tell you like it is, but in the most loving and caring way possible.  The ones who look out for you, all the time.  

November 16: I'm thankful for birthdays.  There were 2 very important birthdays.  First, my youngest brother, Daniel, turned 21!!! Second, my nephew, Frank Richard Tarasi, was born at 9:59 PM.  All are doing well and recovering (In different ways).  Birthdays are always such exciting times and allow us the opportunity to stop and think about how different our life would be without that person.   I'll have a follow-up post of Daniel's birthday in a few days, when I'm done recovering from the weekend myself.

November 17: I'm thankful for wonderful co-workers who try to make life easier when you're not feeling 100%.  Who hug you when you've had a rough day.  Who jumpstart your car when your battery is dead.  Who celebrate the smallest victories, because they understand just how much it means for that one student.  

November 18: I'm thankful for quiet time.  After an insane weekend like I had, I've enjoyed having some quiet, alone time, just to read, watch Netflix, sleep, clean, and waste time how I see fit.  Yes, there's always work I could be doing, but sometimes, you just have to stop, take a deep breath, and enjoy the peace and quiet.

November 19: I'm thankful for sleep. I'm STILL trying to recover from this weekend, while anticipating the upcoming weekend.  Being able to go to bed at 9:30 PM and wake up at 5:40 is so nice.  After the amount of sleep deprivation I caused my body throughout college and the past 2 years of dispatching, I've learned how precious sleep really is.

November 20: I'm thankful for Christmas.  Peppermint cookies.  Happy music.  Rumchata and hot chocolate.  Sweaters.  Pretty lights.  Giving presents.  Traveling.  Family.  This is the earliest I've ever started to decorate for Christmas and I think I might continue using Daniel's birthday as my limit. Starting earlier allows me to celebrate longer and it builds the anticipation.  

November 21: I'm thankful for Fridays.  I really do love my job, but I really do love the break from it that I get during the weekend.  I get the opportunity to recharge my batteries, relax, and cross things off my personal to-do list.  I think the weekend gives me the ability to appreciate my kiddos that much more because I'm able to take care of myself over the weekend so I can better serve them.

November 22: I'm grateful for friends who are willing to make the effort.  Friends who are willing to maintain friendships through text, phone calls, and Facebook messages.  All of my closest friends live over 100 miles away from me.  Yet, we're all able to maintain those friendships because we recognize their importance and value our friendship.

November 23: I'm thankful for children.  They say the funniest things, do the cutest things, and are still innocent and genuine in everything they say.  I wish I could preserve their innocence and share it around the world.  Their perceptions, thoughts, and beliefs are things the world could benefit from.

November 24: I'm thankful for justice.  

November 25: I'm thankful for safety.  Being able to sleep last night, knowing I was safe, my school was safe, my car was safe, my family and loved ones were safe was huge.  No, I didn't sleep the greatest because I wasn't convinced my officers were all safe but I was still able to sleep.  I'm grateful for the ability to live in a safe neighborhood, have people willing to protect me, and having the knowledge and skills necessary to protect myself.

November 26: I'm thankful for snow plows.  They keep the roads cleared, dry, and ice free, no matter what the conditions are or how scary the roads may be.  

November 27:  I'm thankful for Thanksgiving.  Easily one of my favorite holidays, being surrounded by family, food, and football.  

November 28: I'm thankful for babies.  Unconditional love, adorableness, and endless cuddles.

November 29:  I'm thankful for football.  It has brought my family together, and brought a unique aspect to my relationship and some friendships that I am so grateful for.


November 30: I'm thankful for the month of November.  With Thanksgiving, it finally being fall, and the countdown to Christmas, I'm pretty sure it's one of my favorite, if not my only favorite, month of the year!

Overflowing Bucket

So I know just like a week ago about feeling like my bucket was empty.  But, seriously, I could write an entire post now about how my bucket is overflowing.  I wish my bucket would get off whatever roller coaster it's on and just be content hanging out under the steady stream of a faucet.

I'm trying to think of why my bucket is overflowing, and I think there's several reasons.

1.  My roommate is back, and we've gotten to spend quite a bit of time together, watching our Royals.  Yes, they are ours.  When your team, that is based 10 minutes from your apartment is in the competition for bragging rights of that sport, they suddenly become your team.

2.  I get to see my mama, baby brother, oldest brother, and his wife (my sister-in-law), this weekend.  It's my nephew's baby shower!!!!!  LESS THAN A MONTH!!!! I'm so excited to get to see everyone.  I haven't seen some of them since July (holy cow!!)

3.  There is so much pride and happiness in this town right now, because of the Royals  People are just happy.

4.  You know how after being in a relationship for a while, the compliments and flirtatious banter tends to disappear for deeper conversation? Not with Mo. We are able to have a completely serious conversation and then switch it to playful immediately. It's one of my favorite things about him, although there are SO many of those!!

5.  I get to Skype with some of my best girlfriends tonight.  We don't usually get to chat like this, since one of them is in Panama (yes, the country) but it magically happened.  It will be so fun "seeing" them and catching up!

6.  I've started working out, like I posted earlier this week, and I think the endorphins have been helping.  No, the being passed out by 10:30 PM every night isn't always the greatest, especially with the late games the Royals have been playing, but sweating out my frustrations makes up for it!

I hope my overflowing bucket is helping to fill someone's bucket out there! I think it's interesting that today was a particularly rough day at school, yet I'm writing a post about how happy I am.  No, work wasn't terribly awful, but just one of those days where everything seems to go wrong that can.  But, here I am; happy :)

You know...

You know you had a good vacation when the only pictures you have from a vacation are pictures of food.  While in NOLA, I took pictures of food, a fire fountain, and that's it.  Not one single picture of Bourbon Street (although I did get beads...but not that way), not one picture of the river (although it was gorgeous).  I guess I have a few pictures of the stunning cathedral/minor basilica that is there, but I have more pictures of oysters (fresh and chargrilled), alligator (tastes like chicken!), meat pies (best gas station food ever), beignets and cafe au lait (even better at midnight) than I have of the touristy things that are there.

I think this is one of the first vacations I've ever been on where I was more focused on enjoying and experiencing than adventure, rather than taking pictures to remember.  I think that's part of the reason I look back at it as one of the best vacations I've had, even though it was a whirlwind.

Mo and I hopped in the car Thursday morning and were headed south by 7 AM.  It was a boring, but sometimes pretty, drive.  Mo drove the whole way (I can't drive his car!!) so I got to read, space out, and just relax.  We got to Bossier City, which is just across the river from Shreveport.  Mo, his mom and dad, his granny and I had hot sausage pi-boys for dinner and then all of us, except for his dad headed to Great Raft Brewing for drinks.  It was hot.  It was so hard for my brain to wrap around it being 90 degrees when it is October.  We had some AMAZING fish tacos and a meat pie while we were at the brewery, too.

Friday morning, we left Granny at his parents' house to watch the dogs and drove to Baton Rouge. I had my first experience of oysters, thanks to Mo's dad.  I liked the fresh (uncooked) oysters, but I REALLY liked the chargrilled ones, with garlic, butter, and cheese.  Of course I like the unhealthier ones!! We met up with his brother and we went to the Baton Rouge Zoo for the Zoo Brew.  It was fun, but we didn't get to see the animals as much as we'd hoped.  After that, Mo, his parents and I, headed to New Orleans.  (Yes, LOTS of driving was done that weekend.)  Luckily, I got a nap in the car so by the time we got to the hotel, I was refreshed and ready to go.  Our hotel was just a few blocks from Bourbon Street, and we had a neat view of Canal Street from our hotel.

We went out, walked down Canal Street.  The coolest thing about NOLA is that you can get a drink from anywhere, and walk out of the bar with it in your hand.  It was so strange, but so cool!  We walked down Bourbon Street, to the cathedral, and to Cafe du Monde for beignets and cafe au lair.  Mo wasn't feeling so hot (we'd had a few, and lots of spicy food) so we headed back to the hotel and crashed.

Saturday morning, Mo and I got up, did some of our own wondering around, did some shopping, and met up with his parents.  We all did some shopping, some drinking, some eating (more oysters, and deliciousness).  We went to a delicious oyster bar for dinner and to watch the LSU game, where I had even more oysters, and got to try alligator!  About that time, Mo realized he'd left one of his watches in a store we'd bought significant amounts of wine at.  So, we got to experience the streetcar and learned a very valuable lesson: during non tourist hours, they don't stop at every stop; you have to pull the cord.

So we ended up sitting outside a station, which the driver got his break.  We got his watch and met his parents back on Bourbon Street, where we went to Pat O'Brien's.  It was a HUGE bar, with a patio, fire fountain, and lots of "rooms" that had different things (live music, dueling pianos, and who knows what else).  I couldn't tell you how many hurricanes I had.  But I had a great time!  There's lots of funny pictures from the night, but unfortunately I can't share them :/

Eventually we decided to head back to the hotel, but not before a stop at IHOP on Canal Street.  I'm not really sure what I ate, but there were more laughs for sure.  We got back to the hotel, and fell asleep quickly after walking over 10 miles that day!!

Sunday, we drove from NOLA to Bossier City, had lunch, got Granny packed up in the car, and the 3 of us headed north.  We finally got to Mo's a little after midnight.  We were all so tired, but luckily Mo didn't have to work on Monday (Columbus Day) and I just had PD (so no students!).

It was easily one of the best vacations I've ever taken.  I had great company, great food, and a great time!  I can't wait to go back again.  I'll add some pictures later, when I'm not at school (oops!)

Also, because I wrote this post as more of a "scrapbook" for myself, I'm including anecdotes that I can't explain, so please don't ask publicly. :)
-Sheldon the Shark "That's not yours"
-Ranch dressing
-The blue signs on the right




Fire Fountain at Patty O'Brien's



Alligator!

Greg's parents at Patty O'Brien's on Bourbon Street

A Second Line Wedding Celebration

The Basilica in New Orleans

Beignets and Café au Lait

Meat Pies

Starting

Today is the start of something new for me.  This morning, I had an alarm set for 6 AM with the intention of going and working out for half an hour.  Well, my body decided 5:07 was just as good, so I was on the treadmill by 5:40 AM instead.  Alas, I intentionally exercised this morning.  I've packed a healthy lunch of salad with chicken.  And I'm sure I'll try to eat something healthy for dinner (I haven't decided what quite yet).

Mo and I are headed to Panama over my Spring Break, and we both want to be our best.  With a 5 month head start, I'm hopeful that I'll be able to really make the changes I want to, and see their effect.  It's kinda nice knowing that Mo is in on this, too.  Sometimes I struggle with staying motivated and having him to keep me accountable, even if it's just to brag about how sore I am from my workout, should help.

Hopefully by stating my plans publicly, I'll be able to announce my success publicly as well in a few months!  :)

Love Languages

For some reason, I've always loved learning about love languages.  I think knowing your own love language helps you understand yourself better, and helps you to find relationships (friendship, family, romantic) that have a higher chance of being successful and fulfilling.  I also think having a conversation with people who are significant members of your life is beneficial.

We all think we know how we best show and recognize love, but when it comes down to either Choice A or Choice B, what would you actually choose?  I've always known I craved physical touch. I love cuddling, hugs, holding hands, and being in close proximity to someone I care about.  But I just recently took the test again and was surprised to discover that I tied Physical Touch with Quality Time.  I've always been appreciative of spending time with loved ones, but I never thought it was as much as I enjoyed physical touch.

And yet, I get myself into distance relationships, where I rarely get to see them (lack of physical touch), and we only get to connect electronically (lack of quality time).  Yes, phone calls become so important, but when they don't happen, I start to feel my bucket emptying by the second.  And there's only so much you can talk about on the phone.  The real connection and conversations of substance happen face to face.

Those results have gotten me thinking about my relationships. Lately, my bucket has been feeling a little empty in several aspects.  Work is great, and that bucket is overflowing.  I miss my family, so that's part of it.  And while I got to spend lots of time with Mo this weekend, seeing lots of sites, traveling; there wasn't a lot of quality time.  The entire drive home was spent with his grandmother, so processing through the weekend, didn't happen at all.  I think that's contributing to a lot of my "empty bucket"ness.

Life has been so busy for Mo with work, and school has been pretty intense for him, too.  And I'm trying to be supportive. I really, really am.  But it's hard when I feel like a hassle and a distraction.  And I don't ever want to be considered needy, but I do have needs.  It's just hard sometimes to stand up for your needs when you know they're not being met a good reason.  Does any of this make sense or am I just rambling?

Follow-Up

In follow-up to my last post....

Please don't take it as "I don't want him to have friends.  I don't want him to spend time with his friends. I should be the center of his world." I just....I guess I just feel like our time together is so limited as is, and when I get "Well, we have next weekend and then our trip the week after that."  like "quit your bitching, quit being so clingy", it just kinda sucks.  

I DO want him to have friends and I DO want him to see them.  I just hate that we can't all hang out together (which I've already asked when it's going to happen, because it eventually will).  

And I hate that I sent my new phone case to his house because that's where I was going to be when it was delivered and now I have to act like it's a glass slipper til Sunday when he brings it up to me when we get to have brunch.  Yeah, brunch. Yay.  I feel so special.  

Typical Girl Post

Look at me, showing up to the blog party 3 days in a row.  I swear I do have a day job.  No, it isn't blogging.  Although that'd be crazy awesome...maybe.

Anyway, this is not one of those "my life is so amazing" posts I wrote a post about earlier this week.  This is one of those "I'm a girl, I'm selfish" posts.

So, we all know that dating your ex's best friend can be difficult.  Luckily, for Mo and I, it really hasn't been that bad.  At least, not for me.  Yeah, some people think it's weird. And some people have mysteriously stopped talking to us as much (or at all).  But overall, it's been easy.

I think part of that reason is the distance.  There's an hour and a half between Mo and I.  There's not quite 2 hours between Mo and my ex, and there's like an hour between my ex and I.  (We live in a triangle so it works; trust me).  Except, there's more like 15 hours added on to the distances between my ex and anyone because he works overseas, as I've mentioned before.

It all works out beautifully until he comes home, Mo has homework, and we have a trip in 2 weeks that he wants to get ahead in his schoolwork for.

We're currently on suggested plan 4 (maybe, 5?) for the weekend.  I KNOW that Mo wants to make everyone happy.  And I'll be damned if I ever keep Mo away from his friend.  I already feel bad enough that I kind of have.  But, I want time with him, too, ya know?  (This is where the "I'm selfish" part comes in.)

There's just not a simple solution to the problem.  At least for right now.  So I'll just smile, tell him to have a great time, and binge on Netflix and books all weekend.  And wine.  Lots and lots of wine.

First thing's first (I'm the realest)

Yes, I did just quote Iggy.  Get over it.  I feel like I've started a blog like this before....

Anyway, yesterday was a mighty interesting day.  Enlightening, frustrating, stressful.  Those would all be words to describe it.  Just to set the record straight, Mo and I "fight" in very different ways.  He wants to talk about it while the moment is hot and get it solved.  I want to cool off a bit, collect my thoughts, and figure out what I'm genuinely upset about; not just what I'm thinking about at that second. I'm one of those people that usually when I'm upset about something that I normally wouldn't be, there's a deeper issue. (BTW, I was typing so fast and didn't proofread so I didn't catch that autocorrect changed "deeper" to "deer".   So for a bit there, I had a deer issue.  IDK but that makes me giggle harder than it probably should lol)

Plans for our NOLA trip got changed by about 7 hours last night.  Which, may be all fine and dandy for the average person, but I've just been feeling so swamped with school, maintaining some resemblance of a clean house, trying to devote time to friendships, see my boyfriend, and take time for me, that this sudden change stressed me out way more than it should have.  Mo, noticing that I was stressed about something, kept pushing me to talk about it.  All I wanted to do was read my book and process what was really going on with me.  But he kept pushing, and I spewed some crap about being anxious about new people, new environment and being on the go the whole trip that I wouldn't ever have time to get acclimated.  Yeah, I like to have some relax time when I get somewhere to get my bearings.  But the way I was talking was NOT normal for me.  Mo was trying (he really was) to build my confidence, which I didn't need, and reassure me that things would be fine.  All he really did, though, was make it worse.  And we'd find a stopping point in the conversation, and a few minutes later, the band-aid would be torn off.

Finally, I just got in the shower and did what I needed to do so I could process.  You know how sometimes it's easier to just fall apart so you can put yourself back together again?  I'm a firm believer  that sometimes, a good cry heals many wounds.

This morning, I woke up refreshed, renewed, and ready for this NOLA trip.  I've got all night tonight to clean and do what I need to do to make my life feel organized AND I can treat myself to a bubble bath when I'm done :)

Maybe I'm blabbing along incoherently, but I've FINALLY had time to process and I've realized that I miss my me time.  I didn't think I would miss it as much but going from living alone to living with someone in a huge city has taken its toll. I guess maybe I need to commit to one night a week as me time.

Finally, to end on an adorable note.  Stumbled across this website.  Not sure why they're naked all the time, but they're totally adorable.

Third Time's a Charm?

I've tried three times now to sit down and type something out. Something that isn't the exact same as my last several posts (blah blah blah, my life's so great, I love my job, I love Mo, blah blah blah).  But that's all I can come up with.  They'd actually kind of taken on an apologetic feel and who wants to read someone being sorry for being happy?  Which, I'm not sorry about, for the record.  But I do want to be conscious of how uninteresting my posts are.

So,  I guess I'll just share that in 16 days, Mo and I will be road tripping down to NOLA for a crazed weekend with his parents.  And over spring break, we (yes, WE!!!) will be flying to Panama to spend time with one of my best friends from high school over my spring break.  That was easily the easiest conversation ever (not as I expected.) This is the abridged version...

Me: So I think I'm going to go to Panama over Spring Break.
Mo: Oh?  Yeah? That'll be cool.
Me:  Yeah.  You're invited.
Mo: Well, let's go to Panama!!!

So, that's how we agreed to go to Panama in a matter of 45 seconds :)

Mo and the Ghost Pepper

So Mo is ridiculously smart.  I mean, he seriously is the smartest guy I've ever dated.  (And I'm not just saying that because he reads this.) But this past weekend, he made one of the goofiest decisions I've ever seen anyone make.

If you read the title of this post, then you're probably figured out that it involves a ghost pepper.  And you are correct, for $200 (Monopoly) bucks.  We went to eat at the Chinese place across the street from my loft.  (Yes, it is RIGHT across the street.  Yes, I am living the dream; I know!) Our server has taken care of us several times and offered Mo a sauce of ghost peppers cut with habanero peppers.  Who knows why he agreed to it, but he did it.  I can't handle spicy things at all, so even smelling the stuff made my nose burn.  But he trampled through it with Crab Rangoon, accidentally getting a liiiiiitle too much on one.  He put some on his entree, and was starting to sweat and complaining about it being a little warm in the restaurant.

After doing some quick research, we learned that the ghost pepper is 401 times hotter than Tabasco sauce.  Oy.  So we went back home, and he started getting hot.  Like physically hot. And splotchy skin all over.

And thus begin the hottest like 10 hours of his life.  I couldn't help but giggle as he was trying to find a cool spot to provide some brief moment of relief.  My skin was apparently cool to the touch so he started moving my "cool" hand all over.  We did fans, wet washcloths, the whole bit.

Woke up Sunday morning, and he was fine.  Moral of the story: Don't eat ghost peppers if you want to kiss your girlfriend.

It's a GREAT day!!!

It is a GREAT day for so many reasons.  Several of them include:

1.  BOYFRIEND DAY!!!!!!!! Seriously, I'm not sick of this guy after 3 months.  If you know me, you know how much of an accomplishment that is.
2.  Football is back!  And I'm talking, meaningful football.  Not that preseason crap.
3.  It's Friday Eve.  Enough said.
4. Jambalaya.  It's what's for dinner, and Mo is cooking, so it's even better!
5.  I get Ray Bans today.  So Mo surprised me with Ray Bans.  I think they're more for him so he doesn't have to look at my obnoxius blue sunglasses that I got for free from Kia a few years ago.
6.  My kiddos are being great today.  I wonder if any of that has to do with my mood....
7.  I actually taught a whole group lesson today, and it went great!!

I hope your day is going as well as mine!

Pictures Galore

Finally added pictures to this post like I promised.  And this summer in review post, too.

I guess I have a few more photos to dump from my summer.  So here, have more pictures of my super awesome summer.  I'll just keep rubbing it in!!!

Roommate and I

Seeing OneRepublic for the second time this summer :)

Classy date night with Mo

One of several Royals game

Super productive day at work, can't ya tell?  Actually, I'm just still mentally on vacation, while looking forward to tomorrow night.  What's so great about a Thursday night?  It's boyfriend night!!!!!!! And I'm convinced those are the best nights for several reasons.
1.  Cuddling....duh
2.  There's usually good food involved
3.  Have you seen how handsome he is?!?!?!  Just getting to look at the face is fabulous in and of itself
4.  Cuddling
5.  Because Mo is currently in grad school (I can't even begin to tell you how proud of him I am for that, or how sexy it is to me!!), he usually has homework, which means I get to read while he does homework.
6.  Did I mention cuddling?
7.  The day of and the day after boyfriend night are always good days.  Day of because I'm just so excited to see him, day after because waking up next to the person you're in love with always makes for a great day!

I'm sure I could come up with more reasons, but I think you get the gist.

I figure I should be productive at work, but I'll probably just keep munching on my lunch.  It's like Monday today since we had professional development yesterday.  Only 2 more days til Friday!!

There comes a certain point...

There comes a certain point in every relationship where "the honeymoon is over and life kicks in" or so they say.  As much as anyone would like to never leave the honeymoon, it is completely unrealistic to never disagree with your significant other, or anyone you trust, for that matter.  Eventually, you won't see eye to eye.  Hopefully, both parties can calmly discuss the issue without getting upset.  Usually, someone's feelings are already hurt so the "calmly" bit is out the window.

Add in stress, exhaustion, insecurities, and about 27,000 other variables, and you've just got a disaster.

I'm a woman.  I have insecurities.  I have feelings (as much as I hate to claim them).  I have trust issues.  I like to push people away.

And sometimes I get mad, and get my feelings hurt, and I get upset.  And I get VERY defensive and I'm a "worst case scenario" person.  So that's automatically where my mind goes, and it's fight or flight time.  And I somehow find a compromise to accomplish both.  Normally compromises are good, but not in this case, I guess.

I guess I'm trying to rationalize why I've been the way I've been lately.  Because I don't like it.  But I don't even know what to attempt at start changing because I don't know for sure what's "wrong" with me.  All I've felt like doing the past few weeks when I get stressed is cry.  That's NEVER been my solution in the past, because it doesn't solve anything.  But it's all I've wanted to do.

Don't go getting worried about me and feeling like you need to be checking in on me. I'm just trying to make sense of the thoughts and feelings in my head right now and this is what we've got.  It doesn't help that my roommate's boyfriend just broke up with her, so that's kinda of what I've got swirling around my environment right now.  Yes, it was expected if you looked at the signs, but it always makes you a little uncertain.

"But you should have more confidence in your relationship, and in yourself"  And I do, but I'm not perfect and I haven't exactly been a ray of sunshine to deal with lately. And it ALWAYS freaks me out that people just wake up one day and decide to flash the deuces.  Hell, my grandfather up and left my grandmother after 25+ years of marriage, 3 kids, her breast cancer battle.  If someone can "throw away" 25+ years of marriage, what's stopping someone from a few month long relationship?

"But he's not your grandfather.(or ___insert whichever ex you want_______)" You're right.  He isn't.  Thank goodness.  But when you get into a mindset, and accustomed to certain things happening, it is REALLY hard to break the cycle.  Yeah, Mo deserves better.  I know he does.  He knows he does.  But remember how I said I had insecurities earlier?  Here they are!!!!!  And as much as I want to just tell myself that Mo is different (which I KNOW he is), my head and heart aren't always on the same wavelength.

I just want someone to hug me, tell me things are gonna be ok and mean it.  And I know they will be soon enough, but in the meantime, I just want someone who is gonna hold my hand, and (as cliche as it is) "love me on the days when I'm most unloveable".

I refuse to apologize for the hodgepodgeness that is this post because it was a post that was for me.  I'm posting it so I can refer back to it if needed.  It has helped me process through my thoughts.  No, I'm not feeling 100% better, but I am feeling somewhat better.  Bam.  Purpose of blog achieved.

Respect

I think there's a certain amount of respect that all issues require.  I'm not saying you have to understand, accept, or even tolerate the issue.  But I do think you need to respect that the issue is important to someone.  One of the beautiful things about America is that we're entitled to our opinion, and we're even allowed to share it.  Unfortunately, that also means that people think they can share their opinion freely and as abrasively as possible sometimes.  I get that you don't agree with me.  But I try my hardest not to be gruesome or disrespectful when disagreeing with a person, even if they're on "my turf".

But that's just me. And throughout life, I've learned that my views and opinions vary largely from many.

Tidbits

~I have ZERO plans for next weekend.  The last time that happened?  Uhhh.....I couldn't tell you. 

~I guess I have "plans" but laying in bed with Mo, doing a fantasy draft, and bingeing on Netflix don't really count as plans.

~I cannot express how excited I am about this.

~Oh, and Mo is going to have to use a crockpot.  Which I bought to keep at his place.  Not for him.  But to keep at his place lol

~Sometimes, it is REALLY fun to facebook creep.  Especially on your exes.  When they're 25 years old and STILL posting obviously drunk pictures of themselves.  and when they get super fat.  HA.

~  Tonight is my last regularly scheduled shift at the PD until winter break.  Not sure how to feel about that.

~I still owe you (my like 6 loyal readers) a recap of my summer, and the 2ish months before that...we'll see if it ever happens.  Maybe next weekend while Mo sleeps in like the lazy bum he is...

~I think friendships are some of the most interesting things ever.  I could probably do a whole 27,284 posts on them and still not scratch the surface.  But I will say I find it fascinating how long distance changes friendships.

~I need to find a place to save all the screenshots I take from texting conversations.  Then I need to categorize them.  I just have SO many.  I was going to try to add a few, but stupid computer at the PD.  MAYBE I'll go back and add them (but probably not)

Just the sweet things Mo says, when I was stressing about not being around much the first month of our relationship

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Every guy says this, but then to make you actually feel it when you ARE looking like crap?  Winner, winner.  Chicken dinner.

My roommate is the best, seriously!!!

Untitled

"I love you"

"I love you. I love you. I love you."

"I can't hold it in any longer. I fall for you more and more every time I see you and I know I'm not done. I can't hold it in anymore"

The Summer of Courage

That sounds like the title of a novel or something.  But maybe that's just me.  Anyway, during my reflection of this summer over the past week or so (I've worked a LOT of hours!!!), I'd have to say these past few months have been all about courage...

the courage to buy a plane ticket simply to explore a possibility...
the courage to pick up my life and move it...
the courage to say "I need help"...
the courage to open up and trust someone...
the courage to go for what I want, in almost every aspect of my life...

I find it really interesting to compare the amount of joy I've experienced this summer in relation to the number of things I've done because I wanted to do them.  Even with people trying to talk me out of them (there's been several situations people have tried to talk me out of).  No, not every situation went exactly how I'd expected it to, but I did it.  And to me, that's all that matters.


 I accepted a job that's completely different (but what I've always dreamed of), even though my co-workers tried to talk me out of it.  I found an AMAZING place to live in downtown KC, even though people said it'd be unsafe.  I went out to California, even though people said lots of horrible things.  I went after what I wanted with Mo, even though people said we were "breaking bro code". I've submitted my letter of resignation for dispatching, even though my officers want me to stay.


No, this summer hasn't been perfect.  My Grammee's death, missed flights, homesickness, moving stress, and several other happenings have provided reminders that things don't always go according to plan.  But even while in Pennsylvania to bury Grammee, I couldn't help but feel happy with my life overall.


I went to California (crossed a thing off my bucket list: seeing the Golden Gate Bridge)

I went to Minnesota (saw OneRepublic and bonded with my brothers)

I went to Texas (got to see one of my best friends, spent my birthday on the beach, experienced my first rodeo, discovered "dressed beers", got in trouble at SPI within 2 hours)

I went to Iowa (bonded with my mom and one of my closest high school friends)

I went to Pennsylvania (road tripped with some of my family, saw the rest, and celebrated my Grammee)

The crazy thing about Pennsylvania is that the whole time I was there, I wasn't horribly upset.  Maybe it was because Grammee had been sick for a very long time and she was finally at peace and reunited with my dad.  Maybe it was because I was surrounded by family.  Maybe because I'd gotten all my sadness out after my mom called me that Monday morning to tell me.  Maybe it was because there was so much to be happy about in my life, and I know that's what Grammee wanted for me.  Don't get me wrong, I was still sad but I wasn't as emotionally upset as I expected to be. 

Mo has a "fix it" personality.  He always wants to make things better.  While he was trying to find a way to make everything better for me (which is impossible during the time surrounding a funeral), he was making things easier, just by being himself.  I tried to articulate that to him, but I know I failed miserably.  I just can't explain how, but knowing that he was there, albeit, a thousand miles away, but just a phone call or text away, made things easier.  Knowing he'd be there with a hug when I finally got home, made things more bearable.  As stupid and cliché as it is, he was something sturdy to prop myself up against when things got to be too much.

All in all, I went to 10 different states in about a month.  (By the end of this year, I'll be somewhere up near 15!!) Through it all, Mo was steady; always there with a sweet statement, SUPER lame pun, or an attempt to make things better.  I can't imagine what it was like watching this ridiculously amazing girl (if I do say so myself) you just got into a relationship with, pack up and travel all over the country, come home for a few nights, squeeze dinner and a few work shifts in before heading out again.  But he did it, and I couldn't be happier that he did!

And what better way to end a fairly lengthy post than with an "awwww" Mo story :)


As soon as I got off the phone with my mom that Monday morning, I texted my roommate to tell her I needed her and then called Mo.  As soon as I told him, he said all those typical things you expect to hear.  And then he asked me if I wanted him to come up that night after he got off work.   I tried to tell him, no, I'd be ok.  I was gonna hang with Kirstie and I'd be alright.  Except, I didn't really have a choice in the matter.  I'm pretty sure he'd already made up his mind before he even asked.  He just wanted me to think I had some say in the matter.  I have a guy who will drive 3 hours round trip, to spend 2 and a half hours with me, knowing that I'd be emotional and not fun at all.  Yet, he still did it.  Altogether now: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Waste of Space

I feel like an absolute waste of space.  Yes, I type this as I'm in the beginning of 5 overnights over the course of 6 days.  I've never been good at laying around.  Whether it's on the couch, in bed, wherever (unless it's the beach-I could lay on the beach for DAYS!!).  I think that's part of the reason why I booked myself so much in June.  I'm a busy body, and I like to be.  Don't get me wrong, by the end of it, I was done.  I wanted my bed and to do nothing but sleep.  But after a few days of that, I was bored and looking for adventure.


I'm ready for school to start.  A teacher who wants summer vacation to end?!??!?!? Yes, they do exist.  We spend all summer thinking about our classrooms and the changes we'll make that we're ready to implement those ideas and changes by the end of summer.  I'm ready to have a purpose back in my life.  Yes, dispatching fills my time, and gives me nice paychecks every now and then, but it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life.  More and more throughout the summer, as things in my life and things at the PD have changed, the less I've enjoyed my time there.  Sure, it's a great time to do "clerical" things I need to do- already tonight, I've filled out my passport application, updated my personal calendar, and filled out all my paperwork for my new job- but it isn't fulfilling.  I've sent officers on one (yes, 1) call in the almost 7 hours I've been working.  The phone has rang maybe 5 time, 2 of those being an officer.  That's not fulfilling.  (Fun fact: from the hours of about 2 AM-5:30 AM, no one does anything on Facebook-it's terrifying).


I love being a teacher, I really do.  And I love having 2 months off in the middle of the year to go on any adventure I want (and my wallet will allow).  But I look forward to the purpose that the school year will provide! 

The past 11 days

I'd be lying if I told you that the past 11 days haven't been a whirlwind of activity.  I've gone to Minnesota for an AMAZING concert, went to Texas for my birthday with one of my best friends, and caught up with several other friends through Skype or phone conversations.  Oh, and saw that guy of mine a time or 2 when life allowed it.  On top of all that, I'm somehow about 7 boxes away from being completely moved and ready to start my Kansas City adventure!


I have no motivation to blog, whatsoever.  So this is where I'll awkwardly end my post, like I usually do :)

In an interesting twist of fate,

I'm dating my ex's best friend.   Because my life just isn't interesting enough, apparently.  Like, this was the only guy whose approval I needed to gain.  As in, he spent more time with him than I did.  Also, I was the one who told him we broke up.  Yeah....that's interesting.

Background:

Calypso and I started talking end of last summer.  Towards the fall, Calypso and Mo developed this theory that because I got along with Calypso, and Calypso and Mo got along, that any of my friends and Mo would get along.  So, one of my friends and Mo went on a double date with Calypso and I.  I'd get screenshots of Mo and my friend's conversations and was always amazed at how sweet Mo was when he was such good friends with Calypso (who told me I was pretty/beautiful twice during our entire time talking/dating).  They hit it off, but eventually ran into some issues that were deal breakers and so it ended.  I was still with Calypso through all this and was seeing Mo pretty regularly.

Mo and I would always talk and hang out while Calypso would be tinkering, getting ready, or who knows what else.  Mo and I have a lot in common; from career interests, to hobbies, to life philosophies, so it was nice having someone like minded.  But, he was always my boyfriend's best friend, and I was glad I got along with him so well.

And then Calypso and I broke up.  And I ended up breaking the news to Mo a week and a half afterwards.  Yeah, when I break up with a guy, my first instinct is NOT to text his BFF and tell him.  Anyway, Mo told me that "after careful consideration, he wanted to remain friends because he enjoyed hanging out with me" or whatever.  I figured it was just him being cordial in case we ever ran into each other, filed it in the back of my brain, and continued on with my life.  Until the randomest things would start reminding me of Mo.  We "had a song" that we both weren't ashamed to gush over, and other things.  So the middle of May, I texted him that I missed his face, throwing in "friend" and trying to make it very platonic.  Dinner plans were made, for what I thought would be dinner between friends.

Well, it wasn't.  It wasn't quite a date because we each paid for own meals, but in every other context, it was.  We've talked every day since.  We went on a few dates, and he was always SO respectful and we had a lot of fun together.  We've made sacrifices to see each other while I've been back in between trips, and made plans in advance for birthdays and such.  We never had an actual conversation about "what we were" and if you've read this blog for any amount of time, you know how ok with that I am.  I was ok with "being sorta single" and being non-committal.  It meant I was safe, and protected and wouldn't get hurt.  Keep this in mind for later on.

This past Friday, we went to a nice dinner, and an outdoor theater.  This required spending about an hour and a half in the car together, just one way.  And everything just felt...right.  We didn't talk the entire way, but the silence was comfortable.   It just felt normal; sitting next to him, holding his hand, driving together.  Pillow talk, cuddling, and slowly waking up next to him, all felt normal.  He talked me through a minor freak out of me letting my guard down and was so incredibly understanding when I couldn't explain myself.  Meeting his grandparents, seeing his hometown, and hanging out with his friends.  It all felt normal.

Remember how I said I was ok with "being sorta single"?  All of a sudden, I wasn't.  I didn't want to be on that in between "I think we're together but we've never actually talked about it" or being introduced as "his friend" because he didn't want to rush things along.  I wanted him to be mine and there to be NO questions about it.  This.  Is. Huge.  So, I asked him "What is going on with us?" and we talked about it.  He was so understanding and didn't want to push me into anything.  He sounded relieved that we established exclusivity.  He was open and honest, to the point that he told me he was going to screw up, and he was going to hurt me, but that it would never be intentional.  A guy who admits he's not perfect?  Yes. Please.

Yes, I still struggle with the B word.  But, he's mine, and I'm his.  He's ok with the G word, and I'm excited about being it.  But the expectations and the labels just freak me out still.  We spent more time together this weekend than we did apart and we both still didn't want the weekend to end.  I know, I know, it's the beginning of a relationship, and you're all excited about it.  But, this isn't really the beginning.  We're about 3 weeks in, if I'm being completely honest about my feelings.  And I'm happy.  I was talking to one of my friends about him, and the way I described was that Mo is "the guy I've always deserved but was afraid I'd never get".  I'm so incredibly optimistic for this one.  I really hope he sticks around a while.

Also, I think his blog nickname is damn adorable :)



As for "taking a chance" guy:  I took a chance, had fun while visiting him, but my feelings were back in Missouri the entire time.  As I've told people, I had a great visit with a friend and am glad I went.

In Summation

This blog post sums up EVERYTHING I think of dating.  Except that she says "yolo" twice in her post. (ugh)

True life

Uh. One of my blogs has 21 views.  Twenty. One.  Either people have been coming back to read and re-read it, sharing links, or randos are reading my blog.


Yes, I realize that all of those can happen.  But 21?  Yeah, I know, that's not a HUGE amount considering how many people use the internet, but I have one follower through Blogger and one follower through Bloglovin.  So that makes 2.  I have 2 other people that I know regularly read my blog and then sometimes I go back and look at specific posts.  That adds up to 5.  There are 4 times as many views on this blog post alone.


Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty freaking proud of the writing I've been doing on this blog, and that post in and of itself.  But for tens of people to see it?  Oy. 


No, I'm not going to make my blog private or anything like that.  I'm just, I guess I'm feeling a bit vulnerable.  And we all know how much I like that feeling....not.

Can't A Girl Make Her Own Mistakes?

So I know my blogs have been incredibly vague for the past few weeks.  Basically, I've been trying to come to terms with the craziest thing I've ever agreed to.  Hope you're buckled in, because here we go!


At the end of March, I went to my beautiful friend Linda's wedding.  Linda is one of the kindest, gentlest, most genuine people I've ever met in my life.  Seriously.  this girl is amazing.  Thus, by the associative property of relationships (it exists!!), her husband is the exact same way.  During the wedding festivities, I took notice of a certain male individual (no, he doesn't get a nickname, yet). 


During the reception, after I'd had a few (ok, like seven) too many drinks (it was an open bar!  not my fault!), I sauntered over, stuck my hand out and said "Hi!  I'm Julie from Missouri!" Feel free to take notes on how to make a hell of a first impression  We ended up talking, exchanging phone numbers, meeting up at the hotel where everyone else was staying and talking until like 3 AM. 


About a week or so after the wedding, we made plans to Skype.  During this Skype conversation, he said the words that can instantly make a million things go through a girl's brain,  "Can I say something crazy?"  uhhh.... sure? 


"What would you say if I invited you out here?"  (here being the west coast)


The thing that sucks about Skype is you can't hide your facial reactions-not that I can anyway- but I was shocked.  Speechless. Freaked out.  I'd known this guy existed for less than 10 days and he wants me to fly halfway across the country to "explore where he lives".  Sounds like he wants to murder me and spread my body parts around the area he lives...ok, not really my thoughts at all, but you get why this is crazy.  I basically brushed it aside and hoped it wouldn't be brought up again until we'd gotten to know each other better.


Well, texting and having several hour long phone conversations several times a week makes that whole "getting to know each other better" deal go pretty fast.  So again, he invited me, and again, I gave a wishy-washy answer.  Keep in mind, I hadn't told a SOUL about this invitation because I didn't want to go.  Yes, I wanted to explore the area because I've always to go there.  But with someone I'd only been around physically once?  Oy.  He was a complete gentleman when discussing arrangements and everything else, and I believed (and still do!) that he was genuine in sticking to them.  Finally, I started to branch out and share it with a few close friends, who basically had conniptions.


"you're gonna have to text me all the time so I know you're ok!"


"I'm gonna need everything you know about him in case something happens to you."


"There's no way I could ever do that."


Eventually, I called my mom.  We all know how moms are.  I expected my mom to try and talk me out of it.  Her reaction?  "Have fun! You're almost 25.  You're going to make your own decisions based on what you feel is best"


Well ok then, mom.


I had set a deadline in my mind of making a decision by May 1.  That way, I couldn't keep putting it off and trying to avoid it.  I started to research flights, just to get an idea if I did choose to go.  But never really gave a full indication of what my choice was going to be until the morning of Monday, April 28th, when I woke up and was ready to book a flight.  I texted him verification of dates, and all of a sudden, he wanted to talk about it.


Womp.


Womp.


Womp.


He's the spontaneous one, I'm the straight and orderly type.  Talk about a role reversal.  Fortunately, our schedules weren't going to line up for us to be able to talk, so I kinda talked him out of talking about it.  By the end of the day, a flight was booked and the countdown began.


I guess I should mention that I'd made up my mind about going the night he initially asked me.  To the point that I was checking flights almost daily, just waiting for it to "feel right".  And finally, it did!






Now that I'm less than 2 weeks away from this trip, my officers have gotten SOO overbearing about it. 


"You know he's going to have expectations..."


"You won't even survive the first 5 hours!"


"What happens if...."


"He probably...."


"I wouldn't let me daughter go if she was carrying!"


"Do you really think he's going to stick to what he said?"


Do you realize how hard it is to defend someone who you genuinely think is a good person when you have some of the exact same fears?  Not because of the person themselves but because of all the news stories you hear about?


They are STILL trying to talk me out of going.  I just want to yell at them to let me live my life.  Yes, I realize there is a HUGE possibility that I get out there, and all the connections that we made over the phone on non-existent in person.  But, there's also a HUGE possibility that they are there and it'll be like talking on the phone with him.


I just want to be able to take a risk, make a mistake if need be, and not feel criticized.  I guess I just want their support.  Yeah, I get that they're protective because they care about me.  But insulting his character, and kind of my mom's parenting skills, when they don't even know his name?  Haven't taken the time to ask me why I think going is a good idea?  Get my perspective on it?  That sucks. 


I'm not entirely sure what my perspective is on it.  I just know I'm going and beyond that, I'm not sure it really matters.  Of course, he's tried to plan things for us to do and I told him I had one request, otherwise I want to rock "The No Plan" plan. I guess that way there's lower expectations for the trip as a whole.  I really don't know what to expect.  I'm not sure what's going to come of it, and I'm not sure I even know what I want to come of it.  We've kind of avoided talking about anything beyond June 9th (when I get back) because people get so focused on the future and "where is this going?" that they don't stop to enjoy where they're at right now.




As you can tell, this has been weighing on me pretty heavily for the past few weeks, and I'm SO glad to just get it all out.  We're now down to 12 days until I am out there and I'm just so excited to be there and see what happens!  And get away from all the negativity surrounding it too...