Questions

Just some of the hundreds of questions that have been floating around my brain the past few weeks.  They're not all for the same people, so have fun trying to figure that one out. Additionally, remember the warning from the last post?  If not, it's conveniently located at the top of the page to remind you :) I do not need, nor want, your negativity in my life. 

-How could you have made up such a lie about me?  And then told me you missed me?  Why haven't I addressed this with you, I'm sure you're asking?  Because I no longer care about your opinions, your deceit, and your manipulation. 

-How could you have not even come to me to discuss what I supposedly said?  I think this is the one that haunts me the most.  That my side of the story wasn't even important until a week and a half after everything happened. 

-What was I supposed to do?  You broke my heart.  How was I supposed to jump back into your arms and go back to normal?  Of course I was guarded.  I was hurt, and I couldn't trust you completely.  What fool would just jump head first back into something or someone who said "I don't love you anymore" just weeks before. 

-When was I finally going to be enough for you?  That's my biggest question.  My socks weren't enough, my hair wasn't enough, my fleece jacket wasn't enough, I was too emotional, and then, I wasn't emotional enough.  But at least I was doing something to change the things I don't like about myself.   And you may think it's a great thing to not have many friends because you're so honest.  Yet, you clearly crave companionship and a partner.  But YOU are not ever going to find that until you realize that YOU have to change.  You can't have a list of things to change about the person you're with.  You have to love them for who and how they are, and encourage their own efforts to improve themselves.  But you'll never understand that.  There were things I'd change about you, if someone gave me the magic wand, but I fell in love with you for you.  Not with some mirage of what I wanted you to be, or the person I "thought you could be." You were enough just the way you were when I fell for you.  Of course I wanted you to constantly continue to improve and challenge yourself, but that should come from within, not from some external source.  And I think that's where we differed.  I didn't have a mold I was trying to form you to. 

Back and Forth

This is my blog.  This is my little corner of the internet where I can get out my thoughts and feelings.  I take no regard for any possible readers, nor do I care what any possible readers may think of my words.  My readers are privileged to know about this blog and should feel as such.  If they feel entitled to judge, ridicule, mock, critique, criticize or react in any sort of negative way, please see your self out and never return.

I think I want to post that at the top of my blog for all to see! 

But anyway, the past week has been a whole bunch of back and forth.  Back and forth between my heart and my head.  Back and forth between what will momentarily feel good and long-term help me.  Back and forth between starting texts and deleting them before they've been sent.  Back and forth between crying and being happy.  Back and forth between remembering the happy times and trying to forget the bad times. 

I am a human.  A human with feelings and emotions.  And some may think it is weak to show them. But in order to be happy, exude love, or make meaningful human connections, you have to show them.  You have to FEEL them, the good ones and the bad ones.  When I love, I love with all I have.  And when that love ends, I hurt. I hurt with all I have. 

I am not ashamed of loving him.  I am not ashamed of fighting for our relationship.  I am not ashamed of staying guarded and protecting myself.  I am not ashamed of anything I did, or didn't, do. 


And I never will be.

The time has come...

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

This quote has been floating around in the back of my head for the past few days.  For those of you who haven't seen "Harriet the Spy," the quote is a pivotal part of the movie.  It comes full circle when Gully has to leave Michelle, even though neither of them wants that to happen, it truly is for the best.

And that's where I'm at right now.

Mo and I are no longer together.  Yikes, that was tough to write.  

I KNOW in my head that it's for the best.  He wasn't able/willing to love me in the ways that I needed, and I wasn't able/willing to love him in the ways that he needed.  No matter how much he and I wanted us to work (which I truly believe that we both DID want us to work), you can't force a square peg into a round hole.  

There have been SO many emotions I've felt over the past 2 weeks.  Hurt, lots of anger, betrayal, longing, hope, fear, anxiety, more hope, optimism, lots of pessimism (working to change that), an aching feeling, and so many other unnamed emotions.

But I just keep going back to "it hurts." When people ask me how I'm doing (depending on who it is, of course), that's usually how I respond.  Today, I woke up and it's now more of an ache.  It doesn't hurt, per se, but I ache.  I don't know what exactly I'm aching for.  And I don't know what exactly I'm hurting about.  Obviously, the love lost.  Obviously, the hopes and dreams that Mo and I shared.  Maybe not so obviously, I lost a family.  I have no doubt that Mo's family loved me, and I loved them.  And to just stop being a part of their family?  That's hard.  

But I knew, also. There were flags that we both saw, that we both were concerned about.  That we never shared with each other, or anyone else.  We just kept hoping that things would work out.  If we just kept throwing our all into the relationship, those flags would go away, right?  That's what we thought.  Once I quit dispatching, we'd have more couple time and we'd be able to figure things out and everything would be great.  

I don't hate him.  I can't hate him.  He didn't do anything wrong.  He was himself, and I was myself, and we just aren't meant to be.  And that sucks.  He cared about me in the ways that he knew how to, but they just aren't the ways I needed him to.  But unfortunately, knowing that he cared about me isn't enough to make the sadness, the rejection, and the loss all go away.  

That'll take time.  I said up above that my head knows it's what's for the best.  Unfortunately, it's a long way from the head to the heart.  And my heart just isn't quite there yet. And that's what's so hard.  I want to do what my heart wants, but that would involve calling, texting, and communicating with Mo.  But that's not what my heart NEEDS to get through this.  My heart needs the tears, and the hurt, and the pain, but it also needs the laughter, the hugs, and the support of all of my loved ones.  

I WILL be ok.  I WILL get through this.  

I AM loveable.  I AM worthy.  I AM enough.  

Alone

I enjoy being alone.  I spend ALL day with people.  The ONLY time I get alone is the bathroom.  The last thing I want to do every night is go spend time with more people.  I like coming home, changing into sweats, and making myself dinner.  I like getting to read, facebook, Netflix, organize, or do as I see fit.

No, I don't have tons of friends here.  There're several reasons for that.
1.  I work with some of the greatest people in the world, and I see them ALL day.
2.  Making friends is hard.  I feel so stupid saying that, but it really is.  Everyone already has their group, why would they want to add one more person?
3.  I'm hardly ever here.  How can you make friends when you're never there to meet people or hang out with them?
4.  My best friend lives thousands of miles away.  Somehow, we've managed to maintain a friendship when we've only lived in the same state for about 4 months of our 7+ year friendship.  I know I'll never find a friendship like that. Ever.

I'm not apologizing for being a homebody.  It saves money.  It gives me much needed alone time.  It makes my heart and brain happy.

Do I wish I had plans once or twice a week? Absolutely.  Do I think that'll change when I actually have weekends off?  You bet it will.  I can't wait to fall in love with KC even more than I already am.

You Were Too Drunk...

You were too drunk to watch the color drain from one of your most loyal friends' faces as he heard the news that you were in a car accident.  But I was there.

You were too drunk to watch him cut short his vacation with his family to come see you.  But I was there.

You were too drunk (at this point on pain meds) to watch him sit at your bed side with tubes coming from EVERY end of you and watch him fight back tears and fears.  But I was there.

You were too drunk to realize that all that stuff you went through just months prior, you were tempting fate again.  But I'm glad I wasn't there.

And I'm glad that I haven't been there since.  Seeing you in that hospital bed, and what that did to the man I love, was heart wrenching.  And seeing you continue to make the same stupid, immature mistakes is more than I can handle.

It's not a joke.  It isn't funny.  This is your LIFE.  Although you may not value it, there are so many people that do.  People who will continue to be by your side.  Not just some bar buddies who don't care about you getting home safe, but people who have proven to be there.  People who drive hours to be there.  And you are doing everything but spitting in their face.  But they're still there.

I don't know what I'm trying to tell you exactly.  I think the simplest way is:

please stop being a fucking idiot.

5 Weeks

So it's been 3 months since I last posted.  But I'm here and I'm back with lots to talk about.  Be on the lookout for several posts over the coming weeks detailing the last 3 months of my life.  These will not be in sequential order, but rather the order that my mind chooses to write them in. And off we go!

Mo and I "lived" together for 5 weeks this past summer.  I got a new dispatching job dispatching in the town where he lives/works (no longer a half an hour commute like my previous job) in the beginning of July.  Because of how much I was scheduled to work, it made more sense for me to "move" to his place until school started.  We both were nervous abotu how it'd go and figuring out a new routine.  I've lived with a roommate for the past year, but he's had his place to himself for the past 2+ years.  Spending day in and day out with someone is way different than spending just a weekend together.  We've spent a week straight together over the holidays last year, but we were traveling and busy the whole time.  Was every second of those 5 weeks perfect?  No, but overall, we had a great time, and it was a nice trial run of living together.  We got a routine figured out that worked for us in the mornings (I get up 15 minutes earlier and start his coffee when he gets in the shower since I'm already in the kitchen making my breakfast), and it was AMAZING coming home to him after 12 hour shifts (I never got sick of him being there with a hug and a kiss.  I mean, I was giddy about it!).  We had a great system of chores figured out, too.  I'd vacuum and mop, he'd clean the bathroom and do the dishes usually.  On my days off, I'd do the laundry, too.  I loved getting to curl up next to him every night and watch COPS or the game or just sharing about our days.

That's not to say there weren't growing pains.  He struggled with feeling like I was "invading" his space since it still was his house.  I struggled with feeling like a guest since I didn't have pictures of my family, or my furniture, or my own personal belongings beyond clothes.  But it's been really interesting because since then, he's slipped a few times and referred to his place as "our place" or his room as "our room".  It's definitely a unique dynamic.

It has been SO hard going back to this distance.  During the week, I'm basically single and just spend a lot of time texting, and trying to stay awake late enough to talk to him after he gets done with homework.  We don't really share a life.  That's what I find myself struggling with the most.  I just want to share life with him.  I want to meal plan and go grocery shopping together.  I want to be able to spend time in separate rooms and not feel like we're missing out on time with each other.  I want to cook dinner for him and watch the news together.  I want to have relaxing weekends and jampacked weeknights, not the other way around.

Which leads me to some exciting news....that I'll share later because my computer is about to die!

I Don't Want Kids

There. I said it. As a 26 year old woman, I know I don't want kids. I'm not explaining my reasons. I'm not apologizing. I'm not justifying. I'm simply stating the facts. Just like the fact that I love chocolate and hate grapefruit juice. 

If you really want to have a discussion about this, I'd love to! But this is who I am and I figured you should know not to serve me grapefruit juice at brunch :)