Can't A Girl Make Her Own Mistakes?

So I know my blogs have been incredibly vague for the past few weeks.  Basically, I've been trying to come to terms with the craziest thing I've ever agreed to.  Hope you're buckled in, because here we go!


At the end of March, I went to my beautiful friend Linda's wedding.  Linda is one of the kindest, gentlest, most genuine people I've ever met in my life.  Seriously.  this girl is amazing.  Thus, by the associative property of relationships (it exists!!), her husband is the exact same way.  During the wedding festivities, I took notice of a certain male individual (no, he doesn't get a nickname, yet). 


During the reception, after I'd had a few (ok, like seven) too many drinks (it was an open bar!  not my fault!), I sauntered over, stuck my hand out and said "Hi!  I'm Julie from Missouri!" Feel free to take notes on how to make a hell of a first impression  We ended up talking, exchanging phone numbers, meeting up at the hotel where everyone else was staying and talking until like 3 AM. 


About a week or so after the wedding, we made plans to Skype.  During this Skype conversation, he said the words that can instantly make a million things go through a girl's brain,  "Can I say something crazy?"  uhhh.... sure? 


"What would you say if I invited you out here?"  (here being the west coast)


The thing that sucks about Skype is you can't hide your facial reactions-not that I can anyway- but I was shocked.  Speechless. Freaked out.  I'd known this guy existed for less than 10 days and he wants me to fly halfway across the country to "explore where he lives".  Sounds like he wants to murder me and spread my body parts around the area he lives...ok, not really my thoughts at all, but you get why this is crazy.  I basically brushed it aside and hoped it wouldn't be brought up again until we'd gotten to know each other better.


Well, texting and having several hour long phone conversations several times a week makes that whole "getting to know each other better" deal go pretty fast.  So again, he invited me, and again, I gave a wishy-washy answer.  Keep in mind, I hadn't told a SOUL about this invitation because I didn't want to go.  Yes, I wanted to explore the area because I've always to go there.  But with someone I'd only been around physically once?  Oy.  He was a complete gentleman when discussing arrangements and everything else, and I believed (and still do!) that he was genuine in sticking to them.  Finally, I started to branch out and share it with a few close friends, who basically had conniptions.


"you're gonna have to text me all the time so I know you're ok!"


"I'm gonna need everything you know about him in case something happens to you."


"There's no way I could ever do that."


Eventually, I called my mom.  We all know how moms are.  I expected my mom to try and talk me out of it.  Her reaction?  "Have fun! You're almost 25.  You're going to make your own decisions based on what you feel is best"


Well ok then, mom.


I had set a deadline in my mind of making a decision by May 1.  That way, I couldn't keep putting it off and trying to avoid it.  I started to research flights, just to get an idea if I did choose to go.  But never really gave a full indication of what my choice was going to be until the morning of Monday, April 28th, when I woke up and was ready to book a flight.  I texted him verification of dates, and all of a sudden, he wanted to talk about it.


Womp.


Womp.


Womp.


He's the spontaneous one, I'm the straight and orderly type.  Talk about a role reversal.  Fortunately, our schedules weren't going to line up for us to be able to talk, so I kinda talked him out of talking about it.  By the end of the day, a flight was booked and the countdown began.


I guess I should mention that I'd made up my mind about going the night he initially asked me.  To the point that I was checking flights almost daily, just waiting for it to "feel right".  And finally, it did!






Now that I'm less than 2 weeks away from this trip, my officers have gotten SOO overbearing about it. 


"You know he's going to have expectations..."


"You won't even survive the first 5 hours!"


"What happens if...."


"He probably...."


"I wouldn't let me daughter go if she was carrying!"


"Do you really think he's going to stick to what he said?"


Do you realize how hard it is to defend someone who you genuinely think is a good person when you have some of the exact same fears?  Not because of the person themselves but because of all the news stories you hear about?


They are STILL trying to talk me out of going.  I just want to yell at them to let me live my life.  Yes, I realize there is a HUGE possibility that I get out there, and all the connections that we made over the phone on non-existent in person.  But, there's also a HUGE possibility that they are there and it'll be like talking on the phone with him.


I just want to be able to take a risk, make a mistake if need be, and not feel criticized.  I guess I just want their support.  Yeah, I get that they're protective because they care about me.  But insulting his character, and kind of my mom's parenting skills, when they don't even know his name?  Haven't taken the time to ask me why I think going is a good idea?  Get my perspective on it?  That sucks. 


I'm not entirely sure what my perspective is on it.  I just know I'm going and beyond that, I'm not sure it really matters.  Of course, he's tried to plan things for us to do and I told him I had one request, otherwise I want to rock "The No Plan" plan. I guess that way there's lower expectations for the trip as a whole.  I really don't know what to expect.  I'm not sure what's going to come of it, and I'm not sure I even know what I want to come of it.  We've kind of avoided talking about anything beyond June 9th (when I get back) because people get so focused on the future and "where is this going?" that they don't stop to enjoy where they're at right now.




As you can tell, this has been weighing on me pretty heavily for the past few weeks, and I'm SO glad to just get it all out.  We're now down to 12 days until I am out there and I'm just so excited to be there and see what happens!  And get away from all the negativity surrounding it too...

Things I Think I Think

I think I'm doing really well with packing.


I think I'm ready for the insanity that will be the month of June.


I think I have lots of decisions to make this summer.


I think I need to learn how to ask for help.


I think I need to get my life organized.


I think I need to live a little.


I think I think too much...especially at 3 AM!!

Hope vs Fear

So those 2 emotions have been swirling through my brain the past few weeks.  To the point that I find myself daydreaming, and those 2 words are distinctly in those thoughts.

So obviously, I ignore them and try to pretend like there isn't something on my mind.  Until I'm dead asleep after starting The Hunger Games on Netflix last night and jolt awake after hearing President Snow say


"Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear."



I don't EVER remember that line from the book or the several times I've watched the movie before. And I rarely wake up until the end of a movie if I fall asleep during it.  But that quote stirred something inside me and I haven't been able to get it off my mind since. 

Fear is defensive.  Fear is intended to keep one's self safe using a heightened sense of awareness and constantly expecting the worse from people.  Because people are bad and the good ones are the exception to the rule.  "I'm scared."  "I'm fine."  "I can do this alone." are commonly heard.


Hope is optimistic.  Hope is believing that good things are going to happen.  Hope believes that most people are good, and that sometimes, they just get lost along the way and become selfish.  "let's do this."  "To be honest..." "I trust you" are the biggest ones. 


If you know me at all, the former has been my mantra for a while now.  And it's been safe.  And I've liked it.  But what I've actually been "living" is fear.  Fear of being denied. Fear of being forgotten.  Fear of being ignored, judged, ridiculed, criticized, the list goes on.  And so I've shut myself off from people and kept people at a distance.  I've been fighting myself to be optimistic, when everything about me was pessimistic. 


But I want that to be different.  I want to have hope in society.  I want to have hope in people.  Hell, I want to have hope in mankind.  And the only way that that will happen, is if I make the choice to have hope.  Not to say I'm going to start opening up 100% to every new person I meet, but I need to stop being so fearful of everyone having bad intentions.  I need to hope that they're a "good egg" and give them the chance to prove it. 


That "hope" starts the second I hit that "publish" button.  I admitted to a very dear friend that I was afraid to even publish this post.  I've yet to decide if I'm going to share the link to this post.  As the quote from the book continues...


"A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is dangerous.”


Having a lot of hope that the whole world will be accepting and loving of this shift I'm making may be just a little dangerous.  But having a little hope that my closest loved ones support and encourage me?  I think that's a pretty effective start.