There comes a certain point...

There comes a certain point in every relationship where "the honeymoon is over and life kicks in" or so they say.  As much as anyone would like to never leave the honeymoon, it is completely unrealistic to never disagree with your significant other, or anyone you trust, for that matter.  Eventually, you won't see eye to eye.  Hopefully, both parties can calmly discuss the issue without getting upset.  Usually, someone's feelings are already hurt so the "calmly" bit is out the window.

Add in stress, exhaustion, insecurities, and about 27,000 other variables, and you've just got a disaster.

I'm a woman.  I have insecurities.  I have feelings (as much as I hate to claim them).  I have trust issues.  I like to push people away.

And sometimes I get mad, and get my feelings hurt, and I get upset.  And I get VERY defensive and I'm a "worst case scenario" person.  So that's automatically where my mind goes, and it's fight or flight time.  And I somehow find a compromise to accomplish both.  Normally compromises are good, but not in this case, I guess.

I guess I'm trying to rationalize why I've been the way I've been lately.  Because I don't like it.  But I don't even know what to attempt at start changing because I don't know for sure what's "wrong" with me.  All I've felt like doing the past few weeks when I get stressed is cry.  That's NEVER been my solution in the past, because it doesn't solve anything.  But it's all I've wanted to do.

Don't go getting worried about me and feeling like you need to be checking in on me. I'm just trying to make sense of the thoughts and feelings in my head right now and this is what we've got.  It doesn't help that my roommate's boyfriend just broke up with her, so that's kinda of what I've got swirling around my environment right now.  Yes, it was expected if you looked at the signs, but it always makes you a little uncertain.

"But you should have more confidence in your relationship, and in yourself"  And I do, but I'm not perfect and I haven't exactly been a ray of sunshine to deal with lately. And it ALWAYS freaks me out that people just wake up one day and decide to flash the deuces.  Hell, my grandfather up and left my grandmother after 25+ years of marriage, 3 kids, her breast cancer battle.  If someone can "throw away" 25+ years of marriage, what's stopping someone from a few month long relationship?

"But he's not your grandfather.(or ___insert whichever ex you want_______)" You're right.  He isn't.  Thank goodness.  But when you get into a mindset, and accustomed to certain things happening, it is REALLY hard to break the cycle.  Yeah, Mo deserves better.  I know he does.  He knows he does.  But remember how I said I had insecurities earlier?  Here they are!!!!!  And as much as I want to just tell myself that Mo is different (which I KNOW he is), my head and heart aren't always on the same wavelength.

I just want someone to hug me, tell me things are gonna be ok and mean it.  And I know they will be soon enough, but in the meantime, I just want someone who is gonna hold my hand, and (as cliche as it is) "love me on the days when I'm most unloveable".

I refuse to apologize for the hodgepodgeness that is this post because it was a post that was for me.  I'm posting it so I can refer back to it if needed.  It has helped me process through my thoughts.  No, I'm not feeling 100% better, but I am feeling somewhat better.  Bam.  Purpose of blog achieved.

Respect

I think there's a certain amount of respect that all issues require.  I'm not saying you have to understand, accept, or even tolerate the issue.  But I do think you need to respect that the issue is important to someone.  One of the beautiful things about America is that we're entitled to our opinion, and we're even allowed to share it.  Unfortunately, that also means that people think they can share their opinion freely and as abrasively as possible sometimes.  I get that you don't agree with me.  But I try my hardest not to be gruesome or disrespectful when disagreeing with a person, even if they're on "my turf".

But that's just me. And throughout life, I've learned that my views and opinions vary largely from many.

Tidbits

~I have ZERO plans for next weekend.  The last time that happened?  Uhhh.....I couldn't tell you. 

~I guess I have "plans" but laying in bed with Mo, doing a fantasy draft, and bingeing on Netflix don't really count as plans.

~I cannot express how excited I am about this.

~Oh, and Mo is going to have to use a crockpot.  Which I bought to keep at his place.  Not for him.  But to keep at his place lol

~Sometimes, it is REALLY fun to facebook creep.  Especially on your exes.  When they're 25 years old and STILL posting obviously drunk pictures of themselves.  and when they get super fat.  HA.

~  Tonight is my last regularly scheduled shift at the PD until winter break.  Not sure how to feel about that.

~I still owe you (my like 6 loyal readers) a recap of my summer, and the 2ish months before that...we'll see if it ever happens.  Maybe next weekend while Mo sleeps in like the lazy bum he is...

~I think friendships are some of the most interesting things ever.  I could probably do a whole 27,284 posts on them and still not scratch the surface.  But I will say I find it fascinating how long distance changes friendships.

~I need to find a place to save all the screenshots I take from texting conversations.  Then I need to categorize them.  I just have SO many.  I was going to try to add a few, but stupid computer at the PD.  MAYBE I'll go back and add them (but probably not)

Just the sweet things Mo says, when I was stressing about not being around much the first month of our relationship

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Every guy says this, but then to make you actually feel it when you ARE looking like crap?  Winner, winner.  Chicken dinner.

My roommate is the best, seriously!!!

Untitled

"I love you"

"I love you. I love you. I love you."

"I can't hold it in any longer. I fall for you more and more every time I see you and I know I'm not done. I can't hold it in anymore"