There comes a certain point in every relationship where "the honeymoon is over and life kicks in" or so they say. As much as anyone would like to never leave the honeymoon, it is completely unrealistic to never disagree with your significant other, or anyone you trust, for that matter. Eventually, you won't see eye to eye. Hopefully, both parties can calmly discuss the issue without getting upset. Usually, someone's feelings are already hurt so the "calmly" bit is out the window.
Add in stress, exhaustion, insecurities, and about 27,000 other variables, and you've just got a disaster.
I'm a woman. I have insecurities. I have feelings (as much as I hate to claim them). I have trust issues. I like to push people away.
And sometimes I get mad, and get my feelings hurt, and I get upset. And I get VERY defensive and I'm a "worst case scenario" person. So that's automatically where my mind goes, and it's fight or flight time. And I somehow find a compromise to accomplish both. Normally compromises are good, but not in this case, I guess.
I guess I'm trying to rationalize why I've been the way I've been lately. Because I don't like it. But I don't even know what to attempt at start changing because I don't know for sure what's "wrong" with me. All I've felt like doing the past few weeks when I get stressed is cry. That's NEVER been my solution in the past, because it doesn't solve anything. But it's all I've wanted to do.
Don't go getting worried about me and feeling like you need to be checking in on me. I'm just trying to make sense of the thoughts and feelings in my head right now and this is what we've got. It doesn't help that my roommate's boyfriend just broke up with her, so that's kinda of what I've got swirling around my environment right now. Yes, it was expected if you looked at the signs, but it always makes you a little uncertain.
"But you should have more confidence in your relationship, and in yourself" And I do, but I'm not perfect and I haven't exactly been a ray of sunshine to deal with lately. And it ALWAYS freaks me out that people just wake up one day and decide to flash the deuces. Hell, my grandfather up and left my grandmother after 25+ years of marriage, 3 kids, her breast cancer battle. If someone can "throw away" 25+ years of marriage, what's stopping someone from a few month long relationship?
"But he's not your grandfather.(or ___insert whichever ex you want_______)" You're right. He isn't. Thank goodness. But when you get into a mindset, and accustomed to certain things happening, it is REALLY hard to break the cycle. Yeah, Mo deserves better. I know he does. He knows he does. But remember how I said I had insecurities earlier? Here they are!!!!! And as much as I want to just tell myself that Mo is different (which I KNOW he is), my head and heart aren't always on the same wavelength.
I just want someone to hug me, tell me things are gonna be ok and mean it. And I know they will be soon enough, but in the meantime, I just want someone who is gonna hold my hand, and (as cliche as it is) "love me on the days when I'm most unloveable".
I refuse to apologize for the hodgepodgeness that is this post because it was a post that was for me. I'm posting it so I can refer back to it if needed. It has helped me process through my thoughts. No, I'm not feeling 100% better, but I am feeling somewhat better. Bam. Purpose of blog achieved.
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