Alone

I enjoy being alone.  I spend ALL day with people.  The ONLY time I get alone is the bathroom.  The last thing I want to do every night is go spend time with more people.  I like coming home, changing into sweats, and making myself dinner.  I like getting to read, facebook, Netflix, organize, or do as I see fit.

No, I don't have tons of friends here.  There're several reasons for that.
1.  I work with some of the greatest people in the world, and I see them ALL day.
2.  Making friends is hard.  I feel so stupid saying that, but it really is.  Everyone already has their group, why would they want to add one more person?
3.  I'm hardly ever here.  How can you make friends when you're never there to meet people or hang out with them?
4.  My best friend lives thousands of miles away.  Somehow, we've managed to maintain a friendship when we've only lived in the same state for about 4 months of our 7+ year friendship.  I know I'll never find a friendship like that. Ever.

I'm not apologizing for being a homebody.  It saves money.  It gives me much needed alone time.  It makes my heart and brain happy.

Do I wish I had plans once or twice a week? Absolutely.  Do I think that'll change when I actually have weekends off?  You bet it will.  I can't wait to fall in love with KC even more than I already am.

You Were Too Drunk...

You were too drunk to watch the color drain from one of your most loyal friends' faces as he heard the news that you were in a car accident.  But I was there.

You were too drunk to watch him cut short his vacation with his family to come see you.  But I was there.

You were too drunk (at this point on pain meds) to watch him sit at your bed side with tubes coming from EVERY end of you and watch him fight back tears and fears.  But I was there.

You were too drunk to realize that all that stuff you went through just months prior, you were tempting fate again.  But I'm glad I wasn't there.

And I'm glad that I haven't been there since.  Seeing you in that hospital bed, and what that did to the man I love, was heart wrenching.  And seeing you continue to make the same stupid, immature mistakes is more than I can handle.

It's not a joke.  It isn't funny.  This is your LIFE.  Although you may not value it, there are so many people that do.  People who will continue to be by your side.  Not just some bar buddies who don't care about you getting home safe, but people who have proven to be there.  People who drive hours to be there.  And you are doing everything but spitting in their face.  But they're still there.

I don't know what I'm trying to tell you exactly.  I think the simplest way is:

please stop being a fucking idiot.

5 Weeks

So it's been 3 months since I last posted.  But I'm here and I'm back with lots to talk about.  Be on the lookout for several posts over the coming weeks detailing the last 3 months of my life.  These will not be in sequential order, but rather the order that my mind chooses to write them in. And off we go!

Mo and I "lived" together for 5 weeks this past summer.  I got a new dispatching job dispatching in the town where he lives/works (no longer a half an hour commute like my previous job) in the beginning of July.  Because of how much I was scheduled to work, it made more sense for me to "move" to his place until school started.  We both were nervous abotu how it'd go and figuring out a new routine.  I've lived with a roommate for the past year, but he's had his place to himself for the past 2+ years.  Spending day in and day out with someone is way different than spending just a weekend together.  We've spent a week straight together over the holidays last year, but we were traveling and busy the whole time.  Was every second of those 5 weeks perfect?  No, but overall, we had a great time, and it was a nice trial run of living together.  We got a routine figured out that worked for us in the mornings (I get up 15 minutes earlier and start his coffee when he gets in the shower since I'm already in the kitchen making my breakfast), and it was AMAZING coming home to him after 12 hour shifts (I never got sick of him being there with a hug and a kiss.  I mean, I was giddy about it!).  We had a great system of chores figured out, too.  I'd vacuum and mop, he'd clean the bathroom and do the dishes usually.  On my days off, I'd do the laundry, too.  I loved getting to curl up next to him every night and watch COPS or the game or just sharing about our days.

That's not to say there weren't growing pains.  He struggled with feeling like I was "invading" his space since it still was his house.  I struggled with feeling like a guest since I didn't have pictures of my family, or my furniture, or my own personal belongings beyond clothes.  But it's been really interesting because since then, he's slipped a few times and referred to his place as "our place" or his room as "our room".  It's definitely a unique dynamic.

It has been SO hard going back to this distance.  During the week, I'm basically single and just spend a lot of time texting, and trying to stay awake late enough to talk to him after he gets done with homework.  We don't really share a life.  That's what I find myself struggling with the most.  I just want to share life with him.  I want to meal plan and go grocery shopping together.  I want to be able to spend time in separate rooms and not feel like we're missing out on time with each other.  I want to cook dinner for him and watch the news together.  I want to have relaxing weekends and jampacked weeknights, not the other way around.

Which leads me to some exciting news....that I'll share later because my computer is about to die!

I Don't Want Kids

There. I said it. As a 26 year old woman, I know I don't want kids. I'm not explaining my reasons. I'm not apologizing. I'm not justifying. I'm simply stating the facts. Just like the fact that I love chocolate and hate grapefruit juice. 

If you really want to have a discussion about this, I'd love to! But this is who I am and I figured you should know not to serve me grapefruit juice at brunch :)

One Year

Yesterday was Mo and I's one-year anniversary.  And I'm now here to gush about how wonderful of a weekend we had, how amazing he is, and just how happy I am with life.  I feel like that's ALL I ever blog about...when I do show up!

I've been thinking about how I wanted to work his and I's relationship.  You see so many people out there call their significant other their:
~better half
~person that completes them
~love of their life
~very best friend
~person

I'm here to tell you that Mo is none of those.  So controversial.  I know.  What's even more shocking, is that I already know that Mo doesn't want to be any of those.  Here's why he's not any of those things.

~Better Half/Person that completes me
Was I not a whole person before I met and started dating him?  Because if you've let me walk around missing limbs or body parts for 25 years, I'm gonna be pissed.  Seriously.  Yes, he makes me be a better person, just like I make him a better person, but we both were complete before we started dating, and will continue to be complete if we ever were to stop.  (But I really hope that doesn't happen!)

~Love of my life
This one has always bothered me.  Yes, I love Mo with all my heart.  But, what if something happens to him?  Am I supposed to go around the rest of my life not trying to find love again?  This one just kind of pigeonholes me for the rest of my life, even if he isn't a part of it.

~Very Best Friend
There are certain things I don't talk to Mo about that I do talk to my girlfriends about.  I know that Mo could handle anything I throw his way, but there are some things that he just can't relate to.  And when Mo aggravates me (which NEVER happens if you ask him!!) I'm gonna turn to my girls to vent, not him!  Of course, I'll turn to him to rectify the situation, but to talk through it, I'm gonna go to my girls.  I want Mo to have friends besides me.  I'm not someone he can nerd out about cars or video games with.  I try, I really do, but it's just not my thing.  But that's why he has best friends that aren't his girlfriend :) I've always thought you could have more than one best friend, anyway.

~Person
I did not go to the market and buy Mo.  Nor did he go online and buy me.  He is not my possession nor am I his.  Labeling someone as their "person" seems very possessive to me.  Mo is my boyfriend.  He is human.  Labeling someone as a possession reduces their worth and value to the equivalent of the water bottle sitting on my table.  And Mo has SO much more to offer this world that the ability to contain liquids. "My man" kind of falls into this category although an acquaintance ruined this one for me, more than anything else.

So alas, I love my boyfriend.  I really do.  But I will never (seriously) refer to him as any of the above.

What I WILL refer to him:
~Teammate (probably my favorite way I think of him-not really a way I'd refer to him)
~Boyfriend
~His name
~Babe/Baby (I've gone soft!!!!)
~Bae (when I want to be annoying)

Now that I'm off my soapbox, let's talk about our anniversary!  He came up to KC Friday night and we had taco salads for dinner.  We're going to the lake for his birthday next month so we're trying to shed some weight to look great!  We went to a local bar and had a few drinks while we watched the Royals lose (boo!!!).  Saturday, he had homework (that's right, he is going for his Master's!!!) in the morning and we watched some Orange is the New Black (Season 3!!!) We had reservations at 7 for our anniversary dinner at 801 Chophouse at Power & Light, but he wanted to hit up a happy hour at our favorite oyster house in KC, so we went there first but had some time to kill so we went to Yardhouse at P&L too.  Dinner was AMAZING.  I had a delicious Prime Rib.  He got a KC Strip and a 15-year scotch that he said was great.  We also split an order of asparagus.  No dessert, but I did have a delicious 10 year port.  We didn't want the night to end, so we went to the jazz bar across the street from my place and had a few more drinks before ending our night.  It was an amazing night spent just the 2 of us, hardly any cell phone interaction.  It was so nice to talk about, celebrate, and enjoy being us.  It was also lots of fun to get all dressed up!  The only picture we took of our night:

Thank you for an absolutely wonderful night that perfectly summarized the past year.

As I've written this post, I've had several editorial thoughts that I just wanted to share

1.  This took a very morbid, depressing turn that I wasn't expecting-sorry!
2.  This is the ONLY place I refer to him as Mo.  It is SO weird saying "I love Mo" I almost feel like I'm cheating lol
3.  I hope to share lots of photos from vacations I've already taken (Washington DC), will take (lake, Minnesota, Gulf Shores), and company I will have (EEEEEEK!!!!!!! FRIDAY!!!!!!!) in one giant post at the end of the summer.  Til then, keep an eye on facebook :)

The Truths I Live By

I'll go ahead and apologize for the following vague post, but I need to process. Besides, you're probably smart enough to draw some conclusions. 

Everyone has a basic set of principles they adhere to and also expect the people in their life to adhere to similar ones. Luckily for the human race, most people's principles are foundationally the same. 

Since you're reading this, you've either been given access to it, stumbled into some strange corner of the Internet, or have been following my blog for awhile since I haven't posted a link on social media in years. This post is geared toward the first group. 

These are the truths I live my life by and expect from you:

-tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth but with some tact

-understand and appreciate a joke

-not everyone is out to get you

-never say "it's ok" if it's really not 

-always give your best, whatever your best is that specific day

-everyone makes mistakes, forgive yourself and others appropriately 

-let go of the past

Now if I could just get ALL the people in my life to sign a contract stating they understand and accept these terms of being in my life. But then we'd all have these contracts we'd have to keep straight for all the people in our lives, which would just be insane. Ultimately, I think it boils down to respect and communication. But that's a different post for a different day. 

That's As Twisted As...

A pretzel with no hot cheese to dip it in!!

I heard that one while watching Cops with Mo this weekend.  We both laughed SUPER hard.

It was a great weekend, although it didn't go quite as planned.  All I've gotta say is, you know a guy really loves you when he's cleaning up your food poisoning aftermath at 4 AM, and he'll still cuddle you back to sleep.  Because of that, I didn't work on Saturday and we ended up going to a bunch of yard sales and antique shops in search of a chair to go in the corner of his living room.  We found one that we liked but weren't sold on for the price, so we passed on it.

He ended up buying a patio set for his desk this weekend too, so that's where we spent the majority of the weekend.  He also worked to perfect his mojito recipe and I played the oh so exhausting role of taste tester.  It was a lot of work, but I was willing to make the sacrifice :) Because of all the time on the patio, I got a sunburn that Mo warned me would happen.  But I'm really not complaining too much since it'll be a tan in no time.

No real point to this post other than meeting my "show up once a month" requirement.  And to brag on how amazingly sweet that boy of mine is.  We've got LOTS of trips and adventures planned for the summer (Louisiana, Minnesota, Gulf Shores, Mojito Party, One Year Anniversary, Birthdays) so be on the lookout for pictures!

Traveling

I've been bit by the travel bug...again.  It seems that I get bit around this time every year.  Although I have a vacation to DC planned during the end of May/beginning of June, and one of my very best friends is coming up for my birthday, I just want more.

Last year, I had an insane summer of California, Texas, and a road tip to Pennsylvania.  And by the end of it all, I was CRANKY.  Mo and I had just started dating, I hardly slept in my own bed, and it was just go go go.

Now, I have a bit tamer summer planned, and I'm wanting more.  I'm not sure if it's because I won't be seeing the ocean, I'm just antsy, or if it's spring fever, but I want just one more vacation planned.  A vacation where I can chill out, relax, sleep in, stay up late, and not be worried about missing something.  Basically, take me to a beach!

I've been so busy with everything at school, working to get healthy (I've started ballet!!!!), trying to see Mo, working at the PD to save money for these vacations I've planned and am wanting to plan, and still trying to find time to sleep and eat.  Being able to just relax sounds amazing.  Part of me wants to plan a staycation in KC to just do what I want and not feel guilty about it...but that'll never happen.

I think there's something rejuvenating about getting away, taking time for yourself or loved ones, exploring a new place.  Yeah, coming back home isn't always the most fun, but I think you grow every time you travel and you learn more about the world around you.  It also makes you appreciate all the great things about where you're currently living.

And then I've had the chorus of this song stuck in my head all day...

Missing you....

"I hate missing you but love having you to miss"


You know that feeling you have after you've spent time with a loved one? That feeling of dread about leaving in the morning?  I feel like that's all I've felt the past few weeks.


I've been thinking a lot about balance lately.  There's an imbalance in Mo and I's relationship.  It isn't necessarily a bad thing but it also isn't a good thing.  The worst part about it is that it isn't going to change any time soon. I'm hopeful that it'll (temporarily) get figured out this summer when I have more time, but I know that it's only a Band-Aid for the situation.


The imbalance in our relationship is time and how it's spent when we're together.  Some could say that most weekends, I'm in a relationship with a person, but during the week, I'm in a relationship with my phone. I know I've talked about this before regarding other distance relationships and how phone dependent I am.


For some reason, it's more annoying with Mo, though. It's hard because when we're together, we want to spend as much time together as possible, almost to the point of smothering each other.  I want as many snuggles, kisses, and hand holds as I can get because in the middle of the week, I can't get any of that, no matter how badly I want it.  And then we're back to smothering each other on the weekends.  It's cyclical and it's frustrating.  And like I said, there's nothing I can do to fix it.


I don't want to intentionally smother ourselves but I just get to so excited to actually see him and be with him, that I can't help but want to fill up my bucket.  I wish there was a way to get a balance of seeing each other regularly but not smothering each other. 


Then throwing in weekends where we don't see each other for a variety of reasons, and it gets exceptionally hard.  Luckily, when we do go several weeks without seeing each other, we're willing to meet in the middle of those weeks for a date night just to see each other and talk.  (I'm not good at talking on the phone after about 3 days of it.  I want to see his expression while I tell him stories!  Plus I talk with my hands and it just isn't the same!!)


Basically, this is just a big, whiny post about another unglamorous aspect of being in a distance relationship. Hmph.

Oh Hey....

There are (usually) 2 reasons why a blogger hasn't blogged for a long time:

1.  They're too busy living life to stop by a computer and type out a big huge post about what they've been doing.
2.  They're unhappy and don't want to blast their unhappiness all over the internet for the world to see.

Of course there are other reasons, but those seem to be the 2 biggest.  So why haven't I been around these parts in a while?  I'm glad you asked!  It's a combination of both the reasons I mentioned above.

Before you go getting all worried that I'm miserable and hate my life, take a seat.  I'm not miserable, I'm not unhappy.  I'm unfulfilled.  That was hard enough to admit to myself.  The even harder part?  Figuring out why I'm feeling this way.

If I'm being completely honest, I've felt this way since about the New Year.  I love my job, but we've been doing LOTS of testing so I haven't been getting as much actual teaching time with my kiddos as I'm used to.  Plus, it's the 3rd quarter slump.  I love where I'm living, but with how cold its been, I feel like I never get to do anything except for on the weekends, which are jam packed usually.  Things with Mo have been alright.  Nothing new or thrilling to report.

I just feel like my life is unbalanced right now.  I have too much alone time during the week, and not enough on the weekends.  I don't know how to make that balance happen but it's driving me crazy.

I feel like this post is halfway finished, but I'm not sure how much more I want to throw out to the internet...

Guilty

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes, I don't like people.  I know everyone feels that way about strangers who irritate them.  But I'm talking about my loved ones-family, boyfriend, roommate, friends, students, co-workers. Yeah, sometimes I don't like them.  Don't confuse like and love, though.  I always love all those people.  But I don't always like them.

I've always been a social butterfly.  I've thrived in social situations.  Put me in a room of people I didn't know and I'd walk out with many new friends.  And then I lived alone.  I learned how to be alone, and not be lonely.  I learned to actually like it.

Now that I have a roommate, and a boyfriend, and a much bigger group of co-workers, I crave that alone time.  Yeah, I usually get it 1-2 nights a week, but after being around family all weekend, and then getting to spend time with my roommate a decent amount this week for various things, I'm feeling overwhelemed and socially exhausted.  I just want some alone time and peace and quiet.

And then I feel guilty because I don't want to talk to people.  And then I feel bad because I'm cranky because people won't leave me alone.  I know I need to take care of myself, but I don't want to disappoint those people either.

Complaints

I'm tired, and cranky, and frustrated.  You've been warned


~Why can't it ever snow when I have nowhere to go and nothing do?  Seriously.  The last 3 snowstorms we've gotten, I've had to work.  And the drive has been AWFUL.


~Why can't my hair actually do something I want it to?  Seriously, I watch all these tutorials, read all these articles and my hair is always flat, limp, and boring.  I've tried so many creams, shampoos, blow drying techniques, and still I think my hair looks best in a ponytail.


~Why does everything have to be so symmetrical?  I think that's part of my problem with my hair.  If it isn't perfect, I take it out and try it a gazillion more times.  But even with other things, arm sleeves, egg cartons, everything.


~Why can't bloggers figure out how to link images?  Seriously, it isn't that hard.  When going on blog hops for teacher products and half of them have their images linked and half of them don't, it is beyond frustrating.


~Why can't some people pick up on social cues?  When I'm turning up the volume on the TV, giving one word answers, or suddenly engrossed with whatever's on my phone, just STOP. TALKING.  I'm too polite to tell you I don't care.


And now I feel TONS better!!