The time has come...

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

This quote has been floating around in the back of my head for the past few days.  For those of you who haven't seen "Harriet the Spy," the quote is a pivotal part of the movie.  It comes full circle when Gully has to leave Michelle, even though neither of them wants that to happen, it truly is for the best.

And that's where I'm at right now.

Mo and I are no longer together.  Yikes, that was tough to write.  

I KNOW in my head that it's for the best.  He wasn't able/willing to love me in the ways that I needed, and I wasn't able/willing to love him in the ways that he needed.  No matter how much he and I wanted us to work (which I truly believe that we both DID want us to work), you can't force a square peg into a round hole.  

There have been SO many emotions I've felt over the past 2 weeks.  Hurt, lots of anger, betrayal, longing, hope, fear, anxiety, more hope, optimism, lots of pessimism (working to change that), an aching feeling, and so many other unnamed emotions.

But I just keep going back to "it hurts." When people ask me how I'm doing (depending on who it is, of course), that's usually how I respond.  Today, I woke up and it's now more of an ache.  It doesn't hurt, per se, but I ache.  I don't know what exactly I'm aching for.  And I don't know what exactly I'm hurting about.  Obviously, the love lost.  Obviously, the hopes and dreams that Mo and I shared.  Maybe not so obviously, I lost a family.  I have no doubt that Mo's family loved me, and I loved them.  And to just stop being a part of their family?  That's hard.  

But I knew, also. There were flags that we both saw, that we both were concerned about.  That we never shared with each other, or anyone else.  We just kept hoping that things would work out.  If we just kept throwing our all into the relationship, those flags would go away, right?  That's what we thought.  Once I quit dispatching, we'd have more couple time and we'd be able to figure things out and everything would be great.  

I don't hate him.  I can't hate him.  He didn't do anything wrong.  He was himself, and I was myself, and we just aren't meant to be.  And that sucks.  He cared about me in the ways that he knew how to, but they just aren't the ways I needed him to.  But unfortunately, knowing that he cared about me isn't enough to make the sadness, the rejection, and the loss all go away.  

That'll take time.  I said up above that my head knows it's what's for the best.  Unfortunately, it's a long way from the head to the heart.  And my heart just isn't quite there yet. And that's what's so hard.  I want to do what my heart wants, but that would involve calling, texting, and communicating with Mo.  But that's not what my heart NEEDS to get through this.  My heart needs the tears, and the hurt, and the pain, but it also needs the laughter, the hugs, and the support of all of my loved ones.  

I WILL be ok.  I WILL get through this.  

I AM loveable.  I AM worthy.  I AM enough.